Month: November 2020

I was in a terrible mood, up and down, feeling out of sync, but we finally buckled down and did the holiday decorating. We have a scaled down tree, in an effort to keep things out of reach of the cats, but we got the blow-molds out, and all sorts of other stuff.

The house looks okay. I wish you could improve moods as easily as redecorating.

I will sometimes leave the door open while I’m cooking. Sometimes up to 15 minutes at a stretch. My food has never gone bad, and I have never seen an increase in our electric Bill.

I mostly keep it closed. But: it’s worth it to know that no one will ever yell at me to shut a fridge door ever again.

And so I leave it open.

In the interest of following CDC recommendations this year, our annual Thanksgiving show today was replaced by something a bit smaller. There Inches of Pure Pleasure focuses of 3” CD releases, going back over the last decade plus of collecting experimental music. We’re keeping things small for the holidays, here on Mid-Valley Mutations.

https://midvalleymutations.com/2020/11/25/keeping-things-small-for-the-holidays-3-of-pure-pleasure-212/

I baked pies. The filling is from scratch, even. (Well, I didn’t cook and process a pumpkin from scratch, but Martha actually recommends against that, and says using the can isn’t cheating.) Plus there’s enough that can go wrong with the recipe that this is pretty good for my first pies I’ve ever made.

I have never been fully green.

But, I’ve never been fully red.

My resting state is yellow / orange when there isn’t a fascist president or a pandemic.

The only difference is that if I don’t focus and keep making new art consistently, then I slip into red almost immediately. I have never lost focus or drive; money and time I loose constantly.

I’ve had trouble sleeping as long as I can remember (age 14-ish), so that’s a poor metric. But conversely: no force in the world has ever killed my appetite, even when I’ve been sick. I’m hungry for my next meal while I’m eating. I don’t believe I’m overweight but I could eat all day if I let myself.

And I avoid interactions with co-workers 100% of the time, so that’s a poor metric, too. But all jobs are bullshit anyway so you should avoid them too.

Also: I have felt lost and out of control pretty much since I hit puberty, and I don’t know how anyone can feel otherwise, honestly.

Man, everything is hard.

November Total: 43,056 words

Today’s Count: 2053 Words

22 Day Average: 1957 Words a day.

Words per rest of the days in Nov to hit 50k by the end of the month: 868

I fell down on the job, so to speak, and only got 1000 words, as I had to handle a few errands that ate a big chunk out of my day. But today I was back onto my 2000 words a day goal.

I would have to really fall down on the job to not get to 50K this year, but I have no idea if I will be able to finish this story in that time. This story is just too big.

Both Trump, the pastor who he often turns to / cites as his moral center, and QANON all embrace a tactic from the Gnostics, a religious variant that believed that all “published” sources couldn’t be trusted, and instead, finding your our evidence of the true source of [God, the consiparcy, whatever] is the only way that you can find the truth.

Now that the election is over, the problem we now have is that 8 Chan is now Trump’s Twitter feed, and as Q drops away and the hatred of those kinds of websites goes mainstream, what we are left with is a demagogue who doesn’t trust the truth and a massive evangelical population who all feel burned by the direction America is heading.

Whatever Trump’s TV Talk Show ends up being in February, it will be riddled with the gnostic mindset to help unite anyone on the right who is slightly racist, slightly religious and / or doesn’t trust “the current systems,” but are afraid voice those ideas that directly.

This might be something worth listening to, if you want to get some insight into how 70 Million Americans can believe in actual quackery.
https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/otm/segments/ancient-heresy-helps-us-understand-qanon-on-the-media

I feel completely at a loss. It seems unlikely that the world will return to a place where I could even find a way to make money, let alone return to anything like my life before. And with our country so broken, it seems only scarier and more insane moving forward.

I’m too emotionally broken for life like this.